Day 338 - Pre-REDEPLOYMENT

I'm not sure how consistent my entries will be, but I am officially 'back to blogging'. I apologize for needing such a long break - I am really thankful for everyone that kept checking back - and for all the comments and emails.

This blog has seemingly gone so many directions since it's conception, that I'm unsure what direction it will take from here. When I originally conceived of this notion, it was to write updates about Al for his friends and family to stay in contact with him. From that point, it progressed as I progressed in my experience as a military wife to discussing deployment and other military issues. It has also served as a way for me to communicate back with Al - by posting pictures and events that have happened in our day to day life in the States.

As a National Guard wife, it is hard for me to know what to do with a military blog now that my soldier will be coming home soon. By the very nature of what we do as a National Guard family - hopefully our lives will have a very non-militaristic scope to it very soon now that deployment is almost done. For right now, I am leaving things open ended - and I hope to have things to post to everyone without boring everyone to tears. Above all, I really, really hope that my posting has NOTHING to do with another deployment ANYTIME soon!

I know that a lot of other military wives and significant others read this blog - so this next part is for them . . .

WHY DID I NOT LISTEN TO ANYBODY WHEN THEY SAID THAT THE REDEPLOYMENT PHASE (and the weeks leading up to it) WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST, AND THAT IT TOTALLY SUCKED?

Sheeeeesh!

You know when you look at your own personality, it is hard when you see huge glaring flaws. One of the huge glaring flaws that I see when I see me is that I have a bad habit of going "Awww, that won't ever happen to me" and turning off my listening ears. When we went into this deployment, I attacked the situation with the same voracity as I give everything else, and I really tried to educate myself on everything. Well, pretty much EVERY FRIGGING thing I read said that REDEPLOYMENT was one of the hardest phases that a National Guard/Reserve family (and regular military for that matter) can face. Well, every time I read those words, I said to myself - "Awwww, that won't happen to US - I will just be so happy to be getting my hubby home that we won't have to deal with any of that yuckiness.".

Ummmm, yeah - famous last words there.

So, in an effort to educate all the other military supporters out there who are just starting their deployments ---- Don't kid yourselves! Their homecoming is NOT easy! Bliss doesn't just happen automatically when their days in the sand start to dwindle!!

The only thing that I have in my life to compare how I have felt this last month or so is to pregnancy. I'm sorry if that's a lame analogy, but that is the only other major life event that I have to compare this to. My pregnancy was a little different than most people's because I was alone for it. That time in my life was so isolating, but isolating in a good way, I guess, because it taught me so much about myself - and just what I was capable of enduring. In so many ways, I just had to put my hands over my ears and insulate myself from outside interference and just take care of me and my soon to be Emelia. During that period of time, I really learned that I didn't need to keep anyone in my life unless it was a mutually beneficial experience - and I also learned that just breathing in and out and making it through the day is sometimes the very bravest thing that you can do.

Well, I haven't felt like that this WHOLE deployment, but I have felt that way through A LOT of this deployment. And it has only gotten more intense during these final weeks. When life is it's hardest for me, I don't want to interact with anyone but people who live in my house (ie. Emelia and me and sometimes Al). It's a wonderful coping mechanism - but it really doesn't do wonders for one's social life - lol.

What have these last few weeks felt like? I could give you so many words but a few of them would be: exciting, nerve-wracking, busy, intense, fearful, anticipatory (is that a word?), sad, happy, good and bad. I have been spending the last week cleaning my house like some kind of nutjob - reorganizing and deep cleaning every single room - eight bags of trash so far. I am usually "Queen of Organized" - but I really have the desire for the house to be in tip-top shape for Al - even though he probably won't even notice - lol. This excitement is not the same as R&R though because that really was like a vacation - I knew going into it that it would last 15 days and then life would get somewhat back to normal.

Now though, I am anticipating this totally new thing - and to be honest - I am really scared crapless. It has been hard being a newlywed with my hubby in the sand - but now that he's going to be home next month sometime, I'm worried about transitioning to our new life together too. Plus, since we dated long distance our whole relationship - the longest that we have been around one another is like three weeks at a time. So, things could get really crazy, really soon!

Al has been very good to me though, and last week, he took the time to discuss a lot of my fears with me. I really needed that - and I feel a lot better about a lot of things. Now, 'just a little longer' and this crap will be over. I am going to pretend that I am a horse in a thoroughbred race - that I have my blinders on, my ears closed to outside influences - and I am just going to keep running around the track until somebody somewhere says I can stop. I really hope all of this has a happy ending. I believe in God, I believe in Al, I believe in me and I believe in 'us' - so hopefully, everything will be great - soon.