Friday, November 18, 2005

Day 318 - Faking It

Just wanted to put up a little note to let everyone know that I am thinking of them. I want to apologize for the lack of blog entries. At the very beginning of this deployment, I remember reading a blog from an Army Wife who had stopped her blog mid-deployment saying that she couldn't continue to post her feelings and emotions in such a public way. At the time, I couldn't understand that. Well, now I do.

I think everyone has a limit in life where they can't take something anymore. I can't continue to smile about this. Al has been gone since August of 2004 - and even though he will be home in less than two months, it feels like forever. I have so many worries and fears about starting a life together when we have spent so much time apart - and there are still so many blank squares left on the calendar that I can't fake this anymore.

To be honest, a lot of you probably think that I am "Mrs. Positive Attitude" - and that I have been a ray of sunshine this whole time. Well, I'm here to tell you that that's a big fat lie. The people that know me best - the people that really care about me and that have to put up with me on a daily basis - will tell you that this deployment has probably made me more neurotic than I have ever been. If I was a control freak before, I'm probably 99% worse now - just try talking to me when my cell phone rings with a call from Iraq on it - when you come back with a nub, you'll know what I'm talking about.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of that phone call or that email being the fuel that I need in my gas tank to go on another day. I have no choice but to do this another sixty or so days - there are no options - but if there were, I would have cashed in my chips several times by now.

Before I met Al, I honestly didn't know what love was. Except maybe my daughter Emelia, I've never had to sacrifice this hard for something before. I've never had to give until I felt empty - only to wake up the next day and give some more. Al has given sacrifices equal to mine - only his have been both to me as his wife - and to our great nation.

Anyway, I'm sure you don't want to hear anymore about this. My mother, a very wise woman, must have told me a million times while I was growing up that if I couldn't say something nice, that I didn't need to say anything at all. I hope that I can come back soon with nice things to say. I want to say them, I want to say how much I love America, how proud I am of my soldier, how wonderful it is to be a military wife - but the words come back empty - they lie flat on my tongue with a bitter metallic taste. To say those things right now would be faking it - I would be lying to people that I care about - and I respect all of you too much to do that. For those of you still dealing with deployments, please know that my prayers are with you until your soldiers are home for good in your arms. Thank you to all of you again for your support.


Christy said...

Hey girl,
I'm thinking about you and I hear you 100%. While Ryan was still gone I felt much of the same way you did! I became such a control freak (still am, Ryan's currently trying to deal with that, haha), I felt empty, angry, etc. I didn't know what was wrong with me but I guess that's just a stage of it. We CAN'T be happy all the time! You're awesome for laying it out there and I think of you often and all the other wives like you who helped me get through it all. :)

airforcewife said...

It's so hard. I know it is, I still flash back.

And you aren't Superwoman. You are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it gets damn heavy.

We're here for you, though, this military family. If you need to vent, if you need to rage... We do understand.

//hugs and more hugs

Melinda said...

{{Hugs}}, Melinda and CYE.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. My soldier is coming home in 3 weeks, so things are starting to looking up, but the last three months have been so hard. There have been moments where I want to scream, "IT'S NOT FAIR!" and no one in my life really understands. I've been so fortunate to find people like you and others on the internet who do understand and have been there.

I'm tired of the news, I'm tired of worrying until I get that email or phone call. I'm tired of not being able to share with him what I need to because I don't want to worry or distract him. I'm tired of not being able to pick up the phone and just talk to him. I'm tired of being cut off when we do get to talk! I'm just tired.

But you know what? We are going to make it--you, too! I've learned so much through this, including how strong I can be--you've mentioned this, too. And when they get back, we'll be able to take everything we've learned and grown through, and have the joy, too.

I've been thinking about you since I read this post. I'm praying for you. Know that you aren't alone.


Greg said...

Found out today I was linked to your site. Thanks. I will be do the same for you in return. Nice read BTW

Stacy said...

Hang in there girl. We will make it through this. I know that you have had a tough time. You are a strong person, you see I know that first hand, you have taught me to be a stronger person. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

I love you girl.

Sgt Cowboy's Girl said...

I don't know if you remember me but my husband and I got married just little bit before you and Al did on R&R. We too are nearing the end of this deployment and it amazes me that is as hard or harder than it was right after he left. I am more scared right now than I was three months ago, and I'm with you. I AM TIRED!!! I am so proud of all the soldiers, but right now definately would not be the time to ask me my opinion on the army! LOL I know that we will make it through this last phase, and be stronger women, but damn it better hurry up already!!

I am thinking of you, and you and your family are in my prayers.

barb pfister said...

I know exactly how you feel and I am sure alot of other families of the soldiers over there feel or felt the same way you do. It is good to know you are not alone. I found your site through greg and I will visit often. Just know you can tell us anything and we will be there for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.


~*~ Deanne ~*~ said...

I just want to let you know that I will be thinking of you. It is so hard being apart from the men we love. You don't have to always appear happy.. cry, scream do what you feel you need to do. I know I express alot of my emotions through my blog (good and bad days), but I admit I don't go into great detail when I am down. Just know we are all hear ((hugs)) and you do what you feel you need to do. Trust in God and ask for peace!

And know... "Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. ~Albert Smith"

Christy said...

Melinda, thank you for having the courage to be honest about how you're feeling. It helps tremendously to know we're not the only ones going through the same thing! I too am tired of it all and am SO ready for my hubby to come home. That doesn't make any of us unpatriotic. Any normal person would have caved already but God picked us to be with these soldiers because he knew we could be strong enough to get through this. Sure, we have days where getting out of bed is a complete struggle! There are days that I don't want to face and I have found myself wishing the days away even though I don't really want to because then I'd miss our kids growing up right before my eyes. It is just so hard to balance it all. Just know you're not the only one feeling this way right now and hopefully we'll all be smiling soon with our hubbies next to our sides! As Thanksgiving Day approaches, I'd like to say how thankful I am to "know" you and that you have been an inspiration to me on your good and bad days. Hang in there! You know where to find me! :)

sher said...

We are entering the home stretch and hoping for my hubby being stateside by the first week of Jan. The dates have changed four times already! It makes you nuts when you start counting down the days until this is over. The holidays are the worst part. I haven't even put up my Christmas tree yet. I always have my tree up the day after Thanksgiving and here I am in a blue funk I can't snap out of.

I understand your anger, confusion, depression, panic.. and whatever other negative adjective you can label this pissy feeling that overcomes you as the days come and go. I keep telling myself "This too shall pass".. and now, I hope you will dwell on that in your last remaining days until you can have your loved one close enough to squeeze and smell...
Happy Holidays

Army Wife said...

faking it through what most could not nailed it!!

becky said...

Been thinking about you, hope you're doing well. Take care honey. (((hugs)))

~*~ Deanne ~*~ said...

I too have been thinking of you and thought I would check in to see if you had updated. I know these comments go to your email as well so I just wanted to wish you a good day and let you know we all think of you. :-)

southerngirlpls said...

You are still in my prayers! Hope things are going ok!