Just wanted to put up a little note to let everyone know that I am thinking of them. I want to apologize for the lack of blog entries. At the very beginning of this deployment, I remember reading a blog from an Army Wife who had stopped her blog mid-deployment saying that she couldn't continue to post her feelings and emotions in such a public way. At the time, I couldn't understand that. Well, now I do.
I think everyone has a limit in life where they can't take something anymore. I can't continue to smile about this. Al has been gone since August of 2004 - and even though he will be home in less than two months, it feels like forever. I have so many worries and fears about starting a life together when we have spent so much time apart - and there are still so many blank squares left on the calendar that I can't fake this anymore.
To be honest, a lot of you probably think that I am "Mrs. Positive Attitude" - and that I have been a ray of sunshine this whole time. Well, I'm here to tell you that that's a big fat lie. The people that know me best - the people that really care about me and that have to put up with me on a daily basis - will tell you that this deployment has probably made me more neurotic than I have ever been. If I was a control freak before, I'm probably 99% worse now - just try talking to me when my cell phone rings with a call from Iraq on it - when you come back with a nub, you'll know what I'm talking about.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of that phone call or that email being the fuel that I need in my gas tank to go on another day. I have no choice but to do this another sixty or so days - there are no options - but if there were, I would have cashed in my chips several times by now.
Before I met Al, I honestly didn't know what love was. Except maybe my daughter Emelia, I've never had to sacrifice this hard for something before. I've never had to give until I felt empty - only to wake up the next day and give some more. Al has given sacrifices equal to mine - only his have been both to me as his wife - and to our great nation.
Anyway, I'm sure you don't want to hear anymore about this. My mother, a very wise woman, must have told me a million times while I was growing up that if I couldn't say something nice, that I didn't need to say anything at all. I hope that I can come back soon with nice things to say. I want to say them, I want to say how much I love America, how proud I am of my soldier, how wonderful it is to be a military wife - but the words come back empty - they lie flat on my tongue with a bitter metallic taste. To say those things right now would be faking it - I would be lying to people that I care about - and I respect all of you too much to do that. For those of you still dealing with deployments, please know that my prayers are with you until your soldiers are home for good in your arms. Thank you to all of you again for your support.